The Perils of Writing Emails When Angry or Upset

If you’re mad, take ten deep breaths. Go for a walk. Do not send an email.

A respondent from the UCLA Anderson School told of a corporate culture in which angry, insulting emails became the preferred mode of communication among feuding executives. She added, “BTW – the company eventually went down in flames… coincidence?” I don’t think so. Angry words create a toxic environment; creativity and customer service cannot flower in a poisonous field.

The land mine of angry email is connected to other land mines. Emails are public documents that last forever. They can be forwarded to all the people whom you would be embarrassed about seeing what you wrote. When we are writing emails, we feel that we are alone and can give free expression to our feelings. Then, if we have really vented our anger in an email, we get to sit back and watch the consequences, as our actions wreak havoc on our relationships.

It’s easy for emotions to escalate when people are writing diatribes back and forth. Then every flaming word is preserved for posterity. Roger Goff, a partner at Wolf Rifkin Shapiro Schulman & Rabkin LLP in Los Angeles, California, has a good strategy for responding to irritating emails. He says, “If you get an email to which you have any emotional reaction at all, give yourself at least 10 minutes before crafting your response. You need that time to allow the adrenaline to stop flowing. Then, after you write your response, don’t send it right away. The act of responding might have renewed your emotions and you still might be saying something that won’t get you the response you’re looking for. Let it sit for another few minutes, and then reread it as objectively as possible. You might even want to have a colleague give it a look before you send it out.” This harks back to Email Land Mine number one: Don’t rush to hit “send”.

If feelings are running high in an email exchange,

1. 1. Wait a while before responding to the email. If you can put it off until the next day, so much the better.Roger Goff adds, “Email gives us the opportunity to calm down and consider our response, but unfortunately many people fail to take advantage of that opportunity.”
   2. Don’t expect to resolve substantive issues through email. If people disagree, they need to talk face to face or at least on the telephone so that they can have a real-time exchange of ideas. Letting each person rant in email without getting immediate feedback only foments more bad feeling.
   3. If you are feeling emotional, be very careful about the tone of your email. Even if you think you are being reasonable, your feelings are probably bleeding through.

One respondent wrote, “I always coach my team to use the ‘You Dumb Ass’ rule. If you can appropriately finish an email you’ve just written with ‘You Dumb Ass’, you need to go back and rewrite it.”

1. 1. Avoid controversial topics in emails. Emails can and often are taken the wrong way.

Remember that your office email belongs to your employer. As Marilynne Rudick and Leslie O’Flahavan of ewrite.com write, “Your employer owns your e-mail. It’s not yours and it’s not private. Don’t write in a tone you’d be uncomfortable sharing with your boss.”

In short, take the higher moral ground when you are tempted to shoot off an angry email. Rise above insults and be the person who shows professionalism and class by not losing your cool.